The year started with my 3 months trip around the world, which I can’t properly sum up in this short post, but I’ll try anyway: on that trip I met friends almost in every country I visited (one of those friends I’ve known for over 10 years but met for the first time in real life), made some new friends, had tons of fun and many adventures, including thinking I was going to die after losing my way in a snow covered national park, a powerful experience to say the least.

As part of the trip I got to see The Prodigy, my favorite band that released a new album in the meantime, 4 times live in the UK with two good friends. I got to see them twice more after that in Turkey and in Prague for a total of 6 times this year and 9 times during my lifetime. On top of that I’m going to see them two more times in Paris this April.

I also experienced quite a bit of grief from a relationship I hoped would go somewhere but didn’t – something started exactly one year ago, right before the trip, with a girl I was really into (aka Girl 1). I wanted things to restart when I came back but she was no longer interested and later in the year moved on to be with someone else. Unfortunately I fell, yet again, into the friend zone trap and only lately have started letting go of the hopes I had for that relationship. It’s still work in progress, which makes this birthday a little bitter, but all in all it’s been a great year.

מילים אחרונות שלא אמרנו
חיבוק אחרון שלא חלקנו

הפסדתי במערכה
על הלב שלך
והלב שלי נשאר
אדמה חרוכה

(מאוסף שברירי השירים שלעולם לא יושלמו)

Unfortunately I can’t go into details because I can’t imply other people on this blog. So that’s pretty much all I can say. It just needs to get out there so I can continue writing here without feeling as if I’m cheating by not writing that something has been bothering me lately.

One week to go for my next Prodigy show! This time one of my best friends is coming with me from Israel, which would be amazing. She’s the best choice for this as she’s been listening to The Prodigy for a month now and recently started learning Czech phrases for the single day we’ll be there.

Oh, and I got tickets for another show – Paris in April. Who’s coming? :)

כשאין עם מי לדבר
אני מדבר איתך
אנשים
לא מבינים
איך אתם לא מבינים
אתם כאלה
אנשים

כשאין אף אחד
הוגה את השם
שלך
איך את לא כאן
כדי לענות
איך את לא כאן
כדי לרצות

אותי

It’s refreshing to be in a relationship where you feel like you can say anything on your mind and not be judged. I’m told that it’s actually one of my more endearing qualities… saying what’s on my mind. Luckily, Girl 2 knows to take things I say in a positive way (which is the correct way) without looking into darker meanings, even when I blurt out things that may be interpreted as offensive in some convoluted way my simple mind could have never come up with.

Past relationships have always started with a big crush. This one is different. We simply enjoy one another’s company and there’s definitely attraction. It’s building up slowly and calmly and I like it. I think Girl 2 pretty much feels the same way and that’s why I can write about it freely. It’s great to be in a relationship that allows you to do that.

In my past relationships with girls I’ve mostly been the best friend. Or, should I say, the “just friends” kind of a best friend. Being a pretty good listener I basically put myself in this position. It was my way of getting close to girls I was interested in and a natural choice, considering that I thought little of myself in terms of looks, sense of humor and general attractiveness in the eyes of members of the opposite sex.

Add to that the fact that, for me, a girl who can express her feelings is very attractive and bang!… years of suffering. I believe it to be at least 10 years. Different girls, of course, but some of those infatuations lasted quite a long time (longest, I believe, was 4 years.)

What does the life of the best friend look like? Full of ups and downs. If the girl has a boyfriend, you listen to how great he is and share the excitement, secretly broken hearted and never revealing (sometimes even denying) your true feelings about it. And if the girl is leaving a boyfriend you offer your empathy, secretly hoping that she will notice how good things are with you and choose you as her next boyfriend. Something which, obviously, never happens.

There’s a lot of ignoring the obvious when you’re the best friend. You think you see hints that the girl likes you but of course there are none. After all, if she really wanted you as a boyfriend she would have told you already – she tells you everything else so it’s not like she’s going to hide it. But you let your mind play tricks on you until some kind of realization hits you, usually with a lot of drama and heart ache.

These days things are a little different – I’m 32 and most girls I meet usually aren’t looking for a listener. And if it so happens that I like someone for more than just friendship but she’s not interested, I cut it off. That’s, basically, what happened with the last girl I wrote about – when she told me she’s not interested I said “that’s fine, but we can’t be friends.” It’s a shame that my way of dealing with it is avoidance, but it’s better than going into the friend zone again.

It’s not easy. I find myself fighting the urge to call her when I want to talk with someone. Knowing where conversations like this may lead, I think I’m making the right choice. I just wish I didn’t think about her as much.

And my mind works in such a mysterious way… when I’m miserable, it really likes to taunt me even more. So of course while I was measuring shoes against my will, I really wanted that girl to be around and I was having conversations in my head with her.

I know. It’s pathetic. I’m sick of it myself.

I’m trying to reduce clutter. I found out that the less things I have at home, the happier I am to be in it. That’s why I’m throwing away a lot of (mostly unused) possessions. But for some things it’s hard to find a place. For example, I have a lot of “souvenirs” (ticket stubs, newspaper clips, pictures) I would like to keep. So I think I’m going to get a nice box and put them all inside, pretty much unsorted.

The same goes for my computers – I’m deleting old files I’ve been keeping around for years, some without any good reason. And just like the physical equivalents, sometimes I don’t know where to put things – in which folder should I place old pictures? Unfinished poems and stories? All kinds of digital souvenirs like email attachments I got? What about the emails themselves? It’s not always easy to sort them out. And in the computer I can’t just throw them in a virtual box (folder) unsorted – that’s where they started in the first place.

When it comes to task management, I started using Gmail’s dead simple Tasks window (here’s how it works). Along with Google Calendar’s SMS reminders (they’re free, by the way) I plan evenings and weekends full of activities. I really want to get to the day when the task list is empty but some of the tasks are scheduled for months ahead, so it might take a while.

We’ve known each other for almost a year. I’ve always liked her but never thought she’d be interested in me. It’s a “different league” kind of feeling. With her being on the higher league, that is. But two days before the trip we went out for the first time and I told her about my feelings for her. I felt I could do that because of the trip and everything. And to my surprise it turned out that she had feelings for me as well.

I couldn’t believe it. In fact, I find it hard to believe right now, too.

And so I went on the trip. I thought about her quite a lot during and hoped we could restart things when I’m back. Unfortunately, things have changed for her and she was no longer interested. So it was pretty much over before it started. If you’ve noticed I’m not in the mood over the past few days, this is why.

Now I’m back to my “not looking” attitude – I’m not actively looking for a girlfriend. It’s recovery time.